Denial & Revelations
by Marthe1990
Summary: Lily Evans had always thought herself to be a pretty honest kind of girl, until she found out that she had something to hide from herself. Something James-related.


**Disclaimer:** unfortunately, I do not own Harry Potter or any of the characters.  
**Auther's Note:** Right, so it's been a while since I've written about Lily and James - or in English for that matter - so please, bear with me here. Chapter two will be better, I promise ;D

Lily Evans was a lot of things: she was kind, brave, just and smart. Just like everybody else, she had her vices. She was hot tempered, quick to jump to conclusions and was stubborn as hell. Lily knew this, was accepting of her faults - Merlin knew she'd had enough time to get used to them. There was, however, a fairly new part of her personality that she didn't quite knew how to deal with.

Lily Evans was, in fact, quite the liar.

She'd always thought herself to be pretty a pretty honest kind of girl. She spoke her mind, especially when she disagreed with something, and in all of those years getting to know herself, she'd thought that her directness had been the same as honesty. That was, of course, until she'd found out that she had something to hide.

Something concerning a certain James Potter. Naturally.

She didn't know when her contempt had grown out to be something different, when she started realising that, perhaps, her anger and hurtful speeches were actually a cover up for a wholly different emotion. It was a new concept for her, this keeping things from herself, not daring to admit the truth, when she'd never feared a confrontation before.

The truth was that she didn't hate James Potter - never had, despite the many public declarations she'd made, claiming otherwise. She was, in fact, rather jealous of the bloke. He was handsome, carefree and extremely talented at everything he did. She wasn't sure if he'd ever studied for an exam - _studied_ studied, like she did, until deep in the night - yet he was always the one with the top grades - only exceeded by her. That didn't count, though. She had to study like mad to be the best of her class, while he took naps to prepare for his transfiguration exam. He was, in short, everything she wanted to be. The only difference between them was that she worked hard to get what she wanted. He never seemed to try, didn't even seem to care about the good fortunes that were thrown in his lap. She couldn't blame him for his inflated ego - not _really_ - since he truly was an exceptionally talented bloke. What she could blame him for, though, was the way he put these talents to use. If she'd been him, she'd never hex innocent students. She wouldn't have rubbed it in everybody's faces that she was so much better than everyone else. She wouldn't have been so crude.

It was hard to make peace with her jealousy, especially because he didn't _deserve_ to be so successful. He was rude, mean and had spent more time in detention than out of it. Yet he still got to be head boy, was the most liked boy in the school, even though he was the biggest prat Hogwarts had ever seen. Girls kissed the ground he walked on, boys admired his confidence and it seemed that she was the only exception when it came to the Potter-craze. She didn't hide it, because, _hell_, if she didn't deflated that head of his, nobody would. That was why she told him off when he was being a ponce, turned him down when he asked her out and pretended to ignore him when he was showing off.

Preteding, because, despite her reluctance to admit it, she was not resistent to the Potter-charm. Not in the least.

Everytime she screamed, yelled and pointed her wand at him, she lied. Everytime she told him that she hated him and that she'd rather date the giant squid, she lied. Even her attempts to ignore him were insincere, because her feigning disinterest in Potter was probably the biggest untruth of them all. The point was that it was easier to yell, to shout and to be angry, than to admit that maybe, just maybe, he had something going for him.

If she was honest - which she'd never truly been before - she'd have to admit that, if they hadn't gotten off on the wrong foot, she wouldn't have taken such an aversion to him. If he and Sirius hadn't picked a fight with Sev that autumn day so many years ago, perhaps she wouldn't have made up her mind about him and Black that instant. Perhaps she wouldn't have fought that Potter-charm and wouldn't have called him an arrogant toerag. She couldn't be sure, of course, but the chances were slim that, if she'd never had to pick sides between him and Severus, she would've clung that desperately to her bad opinion of him. Perhaps she wouldn't have fawned over him like all the other girls - he'd been too arrogant for that - but she would've liked him, befriended him even. Her denying his good qualities made her a liar and a hypocrite. That was probably the only thing she hated about James Potter: he turned her into another person. A person she didn't like much, for that matter.

The reason for this revelation - epiphany, if you will - was, controversally, the thing that had frustrated her at no end. His position as Head Boy. At first, she'd been livid: after all her hard work, all her hopes and dreams, he just got the position without trying. He'd ruin everything, she was sure. He wouldn't do a thing, all the hard work would fall on her shoulders. He had surprised her, though, by being a far better Head Boy than she'd ever imagined. It had taken some time, but after a few weeks of working with him, she had to admit that, maybe, she'd been wrong. That maybe, she'd know all along that Potter was a special kind of guy. The kind of guy you admired. It had made her wonder, only to discover that her admiration had been covered under her so called hatred for him, but had been there nonetheless. Yes, he could be a giant prat, but lately she'd been seeing this new side of his that she'd never seen before - he'd stopped hexing people, he'd gotten rid of that stupid snitch and he even seemed to have deflated his head a little.

That was how Lily Evans started befriending James Potter - six years too late, mind you. She was surprised how fast they'd established their own way of communicating: a subtle push and pull, but innocent, she reminded herself, innocent and completely harmless.

'Lily!'

The redhead looked up and a small smile played on her lips. Ah, speaking of the devil; there he was, climbing through the portrait hole, smiling brightly, and walking in her direction. She waved him over, answering his smile, and scooted over, as to make some room.

'James,' she greeted, the sounds still relatively new to her. It had taken a while before they'd started adressing each other with their first names. He sat down next to her and put his feet up on the table, completely at ease. She stared at him, feeling slightly awkward with the way his hip seemed to press up against hers. James misunderstood and grinned at her.

'Sorry, I know, "school property", but you've got to give me a break here: I've had a very long day.'

Lily grinned back at him, relieved that he hadn't commented on her awkwardness like he used to. Last year, he would've wiggled his eyebrows suggestively and flashed her a cocky grin, stating that it had to be his presence that made her uncomfortable. Which it was, of course, but in a different way. _Entirely_ different. Lately, however, he'd spared her the rude comments and she loved how he was careful not to upset her: it showed a thoughtfulness she'd never expected from Potter.

'But if I don't tell you off, who will?'

'Good question,' he said and, with an exaggerated sigh, he lifted his feet off the table and put them on the ground, where they belonged. 'Happy?'

'Yes, very,' she said smugly.

'Good. Hey, I wanted to talk to you about the next prefect meeting, if you don't mind.'

'Sure, go ahead.'

'Oi, Prongs!'

Over the years, Lily had found out that 'Prongs' meant 'James'. The marauders had to have the weirdest nicknames by far: Moony, Padfoot, Prongs and Wormtail. James and Lily looked up and soon found the source of the disturbance: Sirius Black - also known as Padfoot - waved James over, looking very excited about something.

'Sorry, mate, I can't: Head duties.'

Sirius stared at his best friend, a surprised look crossed his face.

'But it's for the thing tonight, you know, with Moony.'

'Yes, I _know_, but you can get on without me.'

James nodded towards Lily, trying to prove his point.

'Ah, I see,' Sirius said, sounding a little strung out, 'Well if you could get your wooing over with, it'd be much appreciated.'

James turned towards the Head Girl, irritation etched on his face. Lily was biting her lip, feeling guilty for keeping James.

'You should go, you know. This could wait.' She smiled at him encouragingly. She wondered if she'd just given him permission to plan foolish pranks with his friends, but she found that she didn't care. The Marauders had matured and their pranks were almost funny nowadays. Besides, they still had a week to plan the prefect meeting and it was obvious that James was staying on her account - not like _that_, of course. Sirius was wrong. James didn't harbour that kind of feelings for het anymore: he hadn't asked her out in ages and he hadn't tried anything. No _wooing_ whatsoever, she thought darkly, shooting a glare at Sirius. No, that was all in the past, they were just friends now and Lily was very grateful for that. Really, she was. This made everything easier. Now, she didn't have to worry about leading him on or wonder if he was contemplating his undying love when he stared at her.

'Really?'

James' inquiry shook her awake and she blinked a few times, before finding the words she'd meant to say.

'Yeah, sure. We could do this tomorrow? Sirius obviously needs you more than I do.'

'Okay... Tomorrow will do, then.' She wasn't sure why he was frowning: wasn't he supposed to thank her and tell her she was the best for allowing him to cause mayhem in the castle? 'I'm sorry, for leaving and for Sirius, what he said about -'

'Really, James, it's okay. I know he's just pulling your wand, don't worry about it.'

An emotion flashed on his face: relief. She grinned at him, pushing him away.

'Go, before Sirius comes back.'

'You're the best,' he said, grinning, which, really, was all she was asking for.

Yes, him not fancying her anymore was easier by far, but sometimes, she just couln't help but wonder whom he loved _now_ and, for some reason, the thought of another girl capturing his attention did funny things with her stomach.

Sooo... That was chapter number one! Very contemplative, not a lot of action, not really sure what I think about it. Chapter two will probably be from James' POV and will, hopefully, have a little more LJ-action. Please tell me what you think? It'd be much appreciated.


End file.
